Muscle Cars and Beefcake Brodom

In the brodom that permeates a household with four boys, five if you count Pops, the awe a younger bro has for his eldest mullet-sporting, bodybuilding, muscle-car-driving bro is immeasurable.

Watching him prepare for a hot date at the local Wendy's was a ritual I rarely missed: I'd stare in amazement as he rolled up the sleeves on his skin-tight Genera Hyper Color tee, studiously comparing his bulging biceps and triceps on each arm to make sure he worked each one equally in his pre-date weight pumping session. Then he'd paint on his cutoff jeans, slip on some sandals, and return to the steamy bathroom to effortlessly transmute Vidal Sassoon mousse and aConair hair dryer into a perfectly feathered mullet that Jean-Claude Van Damme would've killed for in Hard Target. After a generous dousing of Chaz, Drakkar Noir, or Eternity he'd grab his tape collection and hop into Dad's '73 Dodge Challenger, confident as any metrosexual with five hours of spa time, to pickup his next bouffant-coiffed female conquest.

I was lucky enough to sport a mullet myself, and eventually in high school I got to drive the same '73 Challenger once in a while on special occasions, like when my parents left for the day and forgot to hide the keys. I was generally assigned the "other" family car, a '68 Plymouth Satellite with a 318 and more chrome trim than is allowed by law in West Virginia and Texas. In homage to a favorite movie, we lovingly called her "Christine," and she was a faithful and fun boat to drive, but its smooth ride, spacious interior and luxurious trim made it a polar opposite to the Challenger. With its growling 340 four-barrel engine, Hurst shifter and leather bucket seats -- it just oozed manly pheromones and to this day I believe it made any of its drivers more charismatic, interesting, and appealing, much like Christine did for John Carpenter's Arnie Cunningham. A bonus to a kid recovering from multiple knee reconstructions was the Challenger's clutch -- it required around 300 foot-pounds of pressure to enable shifting -- always good therapy for an atrophied knee.

Fast forward to the present, at the end of the summer driving season -- even though driving those classics in summertime would melt a freshly starched shirt in about 30 seconds, I often find that I'm unwittingly on Dodge.com, pimping out my own 2010 Dodge Challenger with the best engine and trim, dreaming of driving the updated beast with air conditioning, meaty tires and a defrost that works in winter. Then I snap out of it, not even bothering to save my vehicle preferences or contact my local Dodge dealer for more details and cajoling.

Even so, this is a practice that most humans with internet access repeat often, if only to see what it's like to order your own brand new anything and live the dream. While my Dad is a dyed-in-the-wool Mopar man, I must confess that I secretly and with much guilt outfit similar new muscle cars like the somewhat forgivable 2010 Chevy Camaro and completely unforgivable 2010 Ford Mustang.

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